Brendan's Story
Grace and I have been together nearly 14 years, we met when she was 19 and it was a long-distance relationship for a few years, so her PMS was not obvious.
That changed when we moved in together, big bottles of vitamins would appear on the dresser or she would be following a diet to try and fight off this monthly demon. It didn’t affect our relationship hugely at the beginning, but I did notice the changes. For example, she would become very mono-syllabic in her answers, grouchy and especially tired. At her best she’s not a PDA* type of lady, but she did put emotional and physical barriers up during her PMS that were hard to understand and impossible to breakdown.
As we grew up and got our own place together, this coincided with her PMS getting much worse. Like all relationships we’d had some tough times, but instead of being able to get through them – Grace’s mind worked differently during PMS. For example, she would challenge me again and again over minute details to try and catch me out on an argument or incident that had taken place months before. After her PMS had gone, she would explain that her mind was constantly whirring with anxious thoughts and the only way to get it to stop was to get an answer to every question she had about a specific event. It was exhausting and at times worrying. Was this what our relationship would be like forever?
One of Grace’s lowest points was when she was given the contraceptive pill by a GP. She took it for just seven days and I believe she came very close to a breakdown during that period. Not only was she severely depressed, her mood swings were horrendous, and they swung between dark and sullen to crying and angry. It came to a stop when she was sent home from work and her family told her to come home for a while. When she told she was leaving it came as a huge shock, I thought she would be OK and we could just get through it – but I think her going home for a break was a positive turning point. Her problems were now out in the open and she could finally get the help she really needed.
Things started to improve but we still had to endure her PMS most months, but by now we had had many frank discussions on how this condition affected her that it did become easier. I saw a change in Grace because she had a plan of action and that gave her confidence. Life continued for around six months when we took a holiday and I proposed.
It gave us something positive to focus on and changed our mindset to looking to the future. Grace undertook cognitive behavioural therapy and was on hormone therapy as well – I didn’t really understand it, but to be honest if she was feeling better I would support it.
After we married, Grace became pregnant quite quickly afterwards, we wanted children, but she said she was also desperate for a break from the PMS. Unfortunately, her pregnancy was marred with awful morning sickness, but I remember her saying she’d take that any day over PMS. I think that hit home as to how badly she had struggled. Since our daughter has been born, Grace’s PMS (touch wood) is not as bad as it was – we don’t know what will happen in the future, but for now I am enjoying having a well wife.
*Public Display of Affection
Rob's Story
My wife is one of the kindest and most generous people you could ever meet. However her PMS and repeated bouts of endometriosis robbed her of the chance to be that person every single month for most of her adult life. The cliché of mood swings in women during the time of the month does not begin to describe the change in her personality between the differing stages of her monthly cycle. It was distressing to see the pain that she was in when she was ovulating but that was merely a warm up act to the mental anguish that she suffered when her hormone levels changed during the build up to her period.
We can both look back on that time when the ‘monthly monster’ ruled; and it was no laughing matter. I can remember the feelings as I returned home from work at the end of each day terrified that the monster would be waiting for me in the kitchen ready to pounce. I never knew what I was to be confronted with so it was difficult to prepare; one day it might be complete irrationality and suspicion and paranoia, or it could be anger, but most often silence and withdrawal. I always felt that I had done something wrong, but I knew that there was nothing I could do to make her feel any better and I responded by mirroring her behaviour sending us into a vicious circle of increasing bad temper and a non- communicative spiral. One of my most favourite things in the world is making her laugh, but the monthly monster was never in the mood for fun. However to be fair, she never took out her distress on the children; which is a credit to her. I think the monthly monster had her targets firmly fixed on me.
Thankfully, as she began to understand her condition better, with help from NAPS, we were both better able to recognise the symptoms and so ‘strap ourselves in for the ride’.
The support that she received from the NHS was mixed to say the least; but she refused to give up. The earlier treatments started to demonstrate some positive effects, so we both knew that there could be an improvement in the condition; but it also served to remind us that it wasn’t her that was behaving in that way; it was the monthly monster.
It took a hysterectomy and an ongoing course of HRT to finally tame that monthly monster. Hitherto, a variety of hormone treatments only managed to curb the worst aspects of the symptoms but never solved the problem. These days things are on an even keel and now after many years I feel that at last we can have a normal relationship where we can make each other laugh and recognise that life is for living.